When tension breaks out between you and your partner, do anger and blame take you over – so totally! – that you can’t stop yourself from saying things that can only make it all worse – even if you are TOTALLY RIGHT? Here’s a little teaching that might help you out…to watch the video if you’re on this blog’s front page, click on this article’s title, or else just click this link.
There you are, having a rational discussion, when suddenly your partner misinterprets something you said – and goes ballistic on you! Even worse, no matter how you explain, they CLING to their anger – they won’t listen to reason! Well, the next time this happens, just think about this: (from the front page of the Beyond Therapy blog, click on the title of this article, or else just click this link
OK, my title sounds pretty dubious – do you like the picture? – but no matter who you are, if you’re stressed out in your relationship, and you watch the video, you will know I speak only Truth about your problem – and the solution! If you are on the front page of the blog, click on this article’s title for the video, or else just click here to watch it.
Don’t buy into the lie that you can never really know if you can totally trust your partner – you absolutely can create this state of complete trust between you.
This article will help you build unshakeable, rock-solid trust in your relationship- the kind where you both know that you would never hurt or betray each other, or be selfish, or unkind.
Come on: anything less than total emotional trust feels like crap – and your relationship is not supposed to feel like crap! (even though lots of couples live that way anyway. But that doesn’t mean that you should.)
Trust means emotional safety – and that’s the whole point of a committed intimate relationship. Without total trust, the relationship never becomes truly and deeply fulfilling.
So how do you get there?
I’ll give you a few simple rules.
RULE #1: No “Eggshell” Topics
This means that absolutely no topics are off-limits to comfortable, loving discussion.
Not in-laws or family, not hygiene, not bathroom habits – not any of each other’s habits! – not sex, not kids, not the past, the future, or the present. In fact, the whole relationship basically breaks down at the point where the two of you can’t – comfortably and lovingly – discuss any topic.
Learning how to easily discuss “eggshell” topics is a skill set that can save your relationship. It is a topic all its own that I will address in other posts, but for now you must identify what these topics are –
And commit within yourself to learning how to talk about them – always and only with sincere care and respect for each other!
RULE #2: Never Put Down Your Partner
The truth is that your partner may do or say things that are stupid, selfish, mean, frustrating, time-wasting, unattractive, or that even seem repulsive to you either morally or aesthetically – AND YET – you are still not allowed to put them down for it –
Does that mean you have to accept words and actions that are totally unacceptable? NO!
It means that you learn the skill of drawing boundaries for what you will not accept without de-valuing them as a human being – here’s what that means:
There is a huge difference between communicating to your partner (with your words or your energy) “That thing you just did or said sucks – but I still support you” vs. “That thing you just did or said sucks, and so do you!”
It’s the attitude behind your words and actions that matter!
Look: the basic assumption behind any trusting relationship is that both of you are basically good people who make lots of mistakes, like everybody else – like you yourself, right?
And just like you want to feel safe to make mistakes – and just like you want to hear constructive criticism so you can improve yourself, without feeling judged or put down – you are responsible for extending that same form of safety to your partner.
RULE #3: Stay Connected by Talking, Touching, Texting – and doing nice things.
In a trusting relationship you never have to wonder what your partner is thinking or feeling – because they are always telling you, and showing you – and you are doing the same!
There is nothing sweeter.
The whole reason you are in a relationship is because you want a partner, right? A combination of best friend and lover, where you journey with each other to discover the best life you can live, and the best version of yourself you can be.
This happens by connecting: talking, touching, texting, doing nice things for each other, asking each other questions, sharing thoughts and feelings and experiences together.
I get it: you might be at the point in your relationship where this all sounds great in theory, but you may not be sure how to actually create it in your life.
Don’t worry – this kind of connection can be created, even if it seems out of reach at the moment. You first must decide that you want it, and then resolve to learn how.
Creating this kind of connection is a skill that can be learned, which I will address in detail in other posts. But for now, you simply need to understand that this dynamic is necessary to create trust in a relationship – and then resolve within yourself to learn how.
Keep an eye peeled to this blog for me to get very specific and go into more details about exactly how to create this trust – and of course, if you think you need some more personal help – just get in touch with me – I’ll show you how!
Let me hear from you with questions or comments!